Shay's Other Spot: February 2006

I just had a few more things to say about my teamwork post at the s spot.

Maybe it's because I actually know this JP in person, but I had/have a bit of a problem with the way he worded his question...
It seems to me that he worded this as if taking care of your partner's orgasmic needs is a bad thing.
Like it's a duty that he feels is unfairly put upon men.

As if men are saying "okay let's have sex... Oh you didn't cum yet? damn it! Fine I guess I'll have make you cum too since it's my duty and all..." like he doesn't want to but feels he has to! It bothers me that there might be guys out there who are in a relationship, but still just have sex to (as Fig aptly put it) get their rocks off, without any care for their partner.

Partly this suggested feeling blows my mind because I've never been with a guy who didn't want to make sure I came!

Usually, even when it's obvious that I have, they ask - with those sweet puppy dog eyes - did you cum?
I've been with guys who were so concerned with making sure that I got as much out of the experience as them that they carefully gave me a few orgasms orally before we got to the penetration part.

But I've never ever been with a guy who seemed to feel like helping me cum was an ordeal or a less-than-pleasant duty (like JP makes it sound).

And it's not like we women are asking for much.
Guys, if you cum first, it's not a big deal! We just need one of three (or four) things from you:

1. (possibly the most important instruction) Understand that maybe we just weren't going to be able to cum this time - But that doesn't mean that we didn't still have a great time!

2. Stay hard and stay in. I have been the last one to cum on a few occasions and usually I just keep going. All I ask is for you to stay hard (if you can), don't pull out until I say, oh and please move into whatever position I need.

3. If it's not going to happen with your man parts, please understand if we want/need to finish ourselves off by hand or with a toy. Sometimes we just need a little "closure" and this is no reflection on your skills as a lover.

Alternatively, 4. help us cum another way; orally, with a toy, with your fingers... Even if your man-bits are done for the night that doesn't mean that you can't still make us cum! (Or, as I mentioned above, you could make sure that we cum at the start.)

In general, the orgasm trouble usually comes up (heh) in the female half of a hetero sex experience. But I think that I have a bit of a unique perspective on this whole thing, as a women, because I have been on both sides of this situation.

One of my ex-boyfriends used to have trouble cumming. We could have sex for an hour and he would still be on the edge of an orgasm, never quite making it. So fellas, I know your frustration at being with a lover who can't seem to reach orgasm. I tried every thing I could think of to help him, and I'd keep going until I was exhausted and dry - but no luck. I understand that feeling of guilt that I came and my partner didn't; and a feeling of unfulfillment, because it's not quite the same if I'm the only one having an orgasm.

Having been in a similar position as many men, with a partner who can't seem to orgasm, and trying my very best to help them before *WE* gave up - I guess the idea of somebody viewing their partner's pleasure as second (or even less than second) to their own r

eally pisses me off.
That idea that perhaps your partner isn't worth your time and effort and that helping your partner cum is too much work - that it's a duty unfairly foisted upon men makes me want to throw things out the window.

I'm sure JP didn't intend for his question to carry this subtle undercurrent of male sexism, and maybe I'm being overly dramatic, but thank you, sweet reader, for *listening*.

sex, teamwork, couple sex, couples, relationships